Fifty Shades of Beige: We’ll Call It Golf

by Master

ladies golfThere is a women’s ‘golf’ group at Charbonneau named the “9’ers”, or sometimes the Niners.  While these women do sometimes play nine holes of golf, their name is actually derived from the lowest score ever honestly posted for one hole of play by a member.  My random number generator confirms that 48 percent of this group were, or aspired to be,  members of the Junior League of Lake Oswego.   But calling themselves the Junior League of Charbonneau posed the possibility of getting a “Who do you think you are kidding?” response.  Hence, the Niners.

But these Junior League wannabes know what is important, and that is a GOOD TIME.  Betty Lou got a new hybrid—let’s party!!  Agatha got some new Lululemon pants—let’s have a luncheon!!  Abigail got a new Hummel figurine–that makes 182 in her collection—let’s celebrate by putting on a talent show!!  Now, is there any member of the Niners who cannot be in the dance troop?  No?  Excellent!!  We start daily rehearsals tomorrow for the Christmas show.  Cancel next month’s golf plans.

Journalistic ethics compel the FPM to admit that the above characterization of “9’ers” as a one hole golf score is stretching a point and somewhat unfair.  It is unfair because the Niners have never held a golf event where players had to rely upon, or even keep track of, their own individual score.  Instead, by conducting various types of scrambles, Chapmans, reverse Chapmans, best balls, throwing in quirks like ‘use only two clubs and a frying pan’, or ‘a glass of wine on odd-numbered holes’, the final score has almost nothing to do with how any one person played golf.  More important is judging the best costume on the course, be it adhering to the theme of Disney Princesses or the Muppets.  The Niners real game is friendship, fun, fellowship and mutual support.  More power to them!  One final tribute to the girls.  They have rejected repeated offers from dozens of Men’s Club members who volunteered to give putting lessons on each green.  You go, girl!!

Fortunately, we can all follow their antics, and they can follow their own, by reading about them in their house publication, sometimes called The Charbonneau Villager.  This baby sister of the New York Times devotes fifty percent of its column inches to Niner news, limited only by the fact it needs to devote the other fifty percent to never-ending explanations of why there will be no merger between the CCC and Golf Club.

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